An alternative to fight, flight or avoidance of hard discussions

Whether with family members or work colleagues, the ability to have a productive discussion when there is disagreement is increasingly challenging, especially when the discussion veers into politics. Consider these options.

Fight is one possibility, but usually a lose-lose situation where no one leaves happy, and rarely does it help people better understand each other. In the worst cases, the conversation gets hot with angry accusations back and forth and can even lead to violence.

Flight is another option. We may choose to exit the space where the conversation is happening, perhaps making up a phony reason why we need to leave. This is a good strategy when we feel physically threatened, but often leads to lingering frustration.

Avoidance is a third option. This is kind of like flight but staying in the space and keeping your mouth shut. This can be pretty unsatisfying as you listen to someone talk in ways you find unsatisfactory, but, for any number of reasons, you feel uncomfortable to engage. Like flight, this may seem better than conflict, but it can generate frustration and foster an environment where people steer clear of others.

We may even lose an otherwise important connection.

Courageous conversation is usually a better and more productive way than any of the above. What do I mean by a courageous conversation? This involves applying concrete skills to constructively engage in ways you are more likely to feel listened to and maybe even empowered. These conversations create the opportunity to offer your ideas in what will hopefully be a win-win situation for you both.

To be clear, engaging in courageous conversations requires both skills and a willingness to listen and be curious about what the other person is saying, embracing kindness, empathy and authenticity. You need to be open to the possibility that your ideas might be changed, or at least modified in a small way.

In my volunteer work with Braver Angels — the national citizens movement that brings Americans together to bridge the partisan divide — we teach skills on how to manage difficult conversations when experiencing political disagreements. These same concepts can apply to other challenging conversations as well. Here are four key implementation steps:

1. Listen. Focus first on the other’s viewpoint and their underlying values and concerns.

I recall Stephen Covey’s wisdom in his classic “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People”: listen to understand and not just to reply.

2. Acknowledge. Before sharing your ideas, acknowledge the other person’s perspective, letting them know that you heard their viewpoint. State back what the person said in a way that clearly communicates that you were really listening.

3. Pivot. This signals that you are about to offer your own viewpoint. For example, “Can I offer my thoughts on this?”

4. Perspective. After going through the earlier steps, this is your opportunity to share your ideas. Use “I” statements such as “This is how I see it” and “This is why I see it this way.”

This all requires practice, but using these skills can significantly up your game in managing difficult conversations. To get past conflict, we need to develop meaningful relationships with those who disagree with us, and this starts by a willingness to really listen to what they have to say.

In her June 24, 2024, essay “The Protest Trap,” Amanda Ripley writes: “Relationships make it harder for humans to humiliate, dismiss and degrade each other … Relationships are not enough on their own, but it’s hard to find humans living in peace and dignity without them.”

For sure, this is not easy, but this is the path to meaningful dialogue and personal growth. Of course, you can bypass this by choosing fight, flight or avoidance — but what good do those do for you?

We each need to dig deep in the spirit of these words by author Scott Mautz: “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to your courage and perseverance.”

When conversations become difficult, are you inclined to engage in fight, flight or avoidance? Are you applying effective listening skills with questions that communicate curiosity? What steps could you take to strengthen your capacity to implement courageous conversations with kindness and empathy?

We each have an extraordinary opportunity to make a difference in people’s lives, including our own. Don’t underestimate your impact!

Douglass P. Teschner, founder of Growing Leadership LLC, can be reached at dteschner@Growing-LeadershipLLC.com.